Why I'm scared of falling in love

I'm a single woman who is finally ready and willing to love again but is still kinda timid of actually trying to find someone. I'm like that thing in that one game. What's it called? Whack a...? Yeah, I'm the thing going peek-a-poo. Peeking out ever so often to check out the views but quickly diving back to hiding before anyone actually gets a good look at me. I'm terrified of actually being in the centre of attention. Yup. That is the perfect metaphor for me.

Of course you read that and figure "oh this is a woman who has been burned in the past". Well, you wouldn't be all that wrong. You look at my past and see a woman who has been burned twice by the same man. I had ten years of history with the father of my children when it all suddenly came to a crude end in a way that I had totally foreseen and thought to be ready for, yet it managed to shock me to the core. You see, the same thing had happened to us before: drift apart, me with the kids, him finding a new lady friend to chat with and crush on, until he had transfered his feelings to her and could comfortably break up from me. Oh, but he still says it's not cheating because he never had sex with her until we were broken up. No, actually it's the worst kind of cheating when you do it with emotions and just change women midair. 

I always knew we weren't going to last. I saw there were three ways for it to end. 1. He'd die young (I always had this weird feeling of him dying young, amplified by his father dying young because of health reasons). 2. I'd get work, we'd be seemingly equal and still he'd treat me as if I was a leech and worth nothing. At which point I'd totally take off for real (I tried twice but he got me to stay). 3. and most likely: he'd crush again, leaving me in the dust. I thought I was ready for that. Strong enough. But as it turns out, when you spend most of a decade with the same person, you kinda grow together and you still think of him as "mine" even if you think your feelings died long ago and you just hang on for not hurting the rest of your family. Even with that past you still don't want to believe he'd do it again. You want to believe he has matured enough. You still believe he wouldn't do anything to hurt you because even with everything that had been going on, he always seemed to be on your side when it mattered. And all of sudden all that goes PUFF. All of a sudden there's this stranger who actually turns sadistic on you, rubs his new love in your face and hurts you through what counts the most to you: your kids. In the afterwaves of the breakup you realise he never really boughtered to know you for who you really are and now spits his misunderstood revelations about me as facts. So excuse me, for having a little bit trust issues.


So there's all that. And then there's this hollow feeling telling me I've never really been in love. I didn't ever really love him. Or the few before him. Not like you should when you're in love. I've always been a serial-crusher and that's how all of my relationship started. But did I ever really love anyone in a truly romantic way? It all just feels like friendships with crushes that dimmed out in short time. Then there was this one guy who I got stuck with because we made such beautiful babies together. But was it ever really more than friendship? In the past two years of my newly single life there has been moments when I've missed him and the way we were, but the thought that came with it was "What hurts the most is that I lost a friend. I always thought we could be friends even after breaking up. Instead of this hell."

I know I'm lacking in the romantic side of life. Look past my poor selfesteem and there it is: I've always been kind of an emotional cripple. I think that was why I was in such a hurry to become a mother. I figured it would fix me. And it did, in a way. I do love my children and all of my happiest moments are with them. Ever since they came along, it became easier for me to show my own emotions, even cry in front of other people. Of course I always cared for my friends but I learnt to recognise love for my friends and family members. Yet I could never quite extend that to my actual love life. The closest I came was when my first born was 1,5years old and it was the time I was apart from her dad. I had bathed in the maternal love and I felt like a rose bud ready to blossom. Ready to love fully. I came about this boyfriend and for a month it was perfect. Then he broke it off saying he was scared of how strongly I felt for him and he wasn't ready for love like that. A week later we were drawn back together by destiny or what ever. We dated for another two months but it flattened out. I became too scared to love 100% and show it. We ended up kind of fuck-buddies and then I just thought it wasn't for me. We never spoke again. I saw him around a few times in the next couple of years and I'd get this hollow pain in my chest. I wanted him mine but knew it could never be real.

So there are the two guys with most effect on my heart. Two guys that cared enough to give them a second chance. I can't quite tell which one turned it to stone. Maybe it was the FB who turned it to molten lava, and the father of my children cooled it to stone. What scares me the most about finding someone new, is that right now I feel like I did just before that FB: like I was renewed and ready to love 100%. But also, my heart hurts like an open wound. Under that rock core there's still some lava. And dammit, it does burn. Ache. I guess you could say I'm afraid I'll burn myself. Or someone else. Now combine this with my trust- and selfesteem issues, and you've got a relationship bomb in your hands. I want to fall passionately in love... And I want it to have an expiration date. It would probably still hurt when it ended, but at least I knew not to trust too much and give in fully. I guess a new commitment phobe has been born.

Thoughts of today

"OK. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to babysit my friend's wild boys with my own wild boys."

"This isn't as bad as I feared."

"This is actually pretty fun."

"This doesn't suck at all."

"Only if they didn't make each other cry so often..."

"Oh my f'ing God. I'm so embarrassed to be in a store with these brats. Maybe I could act like I don't know them?"

"OK. This wasn't as bad as I thought. We must do it again sometime. She needs the rest."

Passing thoughts of today

"My very vivid little boys are a little too vivid for me today. I wish I could have someone over for an hour to help us clean up and another to take the kids out. I need a breather!"

"Shame. I actually kinda liked Jolinar of Malkshur."

"Great. It's my least favorite weather. Grey, cloudy and cold. Can't we just have either lovely, energizing sunshine or refreshing summer rains?"

"Funny. I did notice his jawline being a little asymmetrical but I figured it was part of his charm. Now they point it out like a flaw. People don't have flaws. Just personality."

"How the hell do all those super mothers get their kids to clean up after themselves? It looks like a bomb went off. Again."

"I've got headache. Is it normal that anemia and iron sumpliment fuck up my day rhythm or is it just the longer hours of daylight? I'm so tired of being so damn tired all the time. Now it's giving me headache too."